If you don’t like SUVs, don’t get one. But America wasn’t created so that a few stiff-necked prigs could tell the rest of us what to wear. If 1 could have any costume I wanted, for everyday getting-there wear, I’d choose a minivan. Those fearing they’ll be seen in a minivan have it all wrong. Nobody will see you. Nobody will even look. Minivans are invisible. Nobody wants to see them. They shed witnesses like DuPont’s Silverstone sheds bacon fat. Give me a light gray one, a little dusty, and I’ll get down the road beneath all notice.
Ever see a minivan pulled over by the speed squad? Enforcers click on interesting cars, not appliances. Still, there could be a better choice. Instead of minivan stealth, what about a car that says, “You don’t want to know.” I’m talking rolling don’t ask, don’t tell. In New York you see big sedans, usually black, ruiming red lights or parked flagrantly on the sidewalk or blurring past you on the BQE.
They all have “diplomat” plates. Drive a “DPL” car, and you’re untouchable. Only one other type of car can be parked in forbidden places and turn into keep-out driveways. You’ve seen the signs. “No parking. Authorized vehicle’s only.” Authorized vehicles can do anything. How would you know an authorized vehicle if you saw it? It doesn’t smile, and its sheet metal bulges ominously. If you notice your step quickening as you pass, yep, it’s authorized, all right.
